WHERE IS THE MOTIVATION?

Why do people chose to do something?

This is an interesting question that pops up, very often lately.

Monday, for example, I was cleaning a tiled floor on my knees, and I really asked myself:”why on earth am I doing this?”

My back was aching, and my arms were tired of carrying my weight on a very cold floor. Neither the floor, nor the dirt were mine. And it's not to be expected that I will spend much time using this kitchen floor as a part of my household. So, all of the sudden, cleaning the final eight tiles, I was really looking from a distance to myself.

I felt that I was missing something. My energy levels had dropped, and my motivation for the task had vanished. I didn't have much fun doing it any more. So really, all the signs were there. There was definitely something missing and I wondered what it could be.

I stopped cleaning after finishing the floor tiles. During the lunch break, I  expressed my wish out loud:” I would like to find out what I am missing here.” I talked about it with Richard and also said to him that every suggestion that I could think of what was missing was not hitting bull's-eye.

It was during a five-minute siesta, that the real answer became clear.

I was aware suddenly, that part of my motivation to volunteer for helping him with cleaning his house to let it out, was the opportunity to talk meanwhile, about our plans for the future. But for practical cleaning reasons, we had been working in different rooms in the house for a few hours already, and therefore, that specific aspect of my motivation was not present.

In the exact same minute that I acknowledged to myself that this was the core of my motivation problem, my energy levels went back up again. I expressed to Richard my desire to find some time in the next couple of days to talk about our plans. After finding out that this desire, is a mutual desire, my motivation to help out with sorting the house out, was all fired up again.

Amazing how that works!

SPARKS OF INSPIRATION

Here, on this blog, I’m writing about my every day experiences, shaping my life with an awareness of the Law of Attraction.

Reflecting on the path of my life, I sometimes scribble down a few thoughts, to keep track of them. Some are the base for a story on this blog, others are only ‘crumbs’. But those cute similarities, funny connections and witty analogies have the power to put a smile on my face!

So, I decided that these sparks of inspiration deserve their own blog.

Curious?
 http://brightfirefly.blogspot.com

WY PEOPLE SABOTAGE HAPPINESS III/3

In the previous two blog entries, I told two stories, where people seemed to sabotage their own happiness. I looked a bit deeper into that behaviour, from the perspective that  it’s actually an attempt to aim at happiness.

I called the strategy the out-of-tune-strategy and I wondered why people turn to this strategy.

I can go out and ask. 

But I belong to ‘people’ as well, so I can start with looking into the occasions where I felt I had no better options at hand, then using this strategy, myself.

I’ve been a pupil in a classroom, being bored by the offered lessons, I’ve been a worker in a complicated working environment.
But also in being a ‘daughter’, ‘spouse’, ‘friend’ or a ‘client’, I can think of several occasions where I chose the out-of-tune-strategy, as a final resort.

All the situations I can think of, have in common that I wasn’t happy about something, but didn’t feel safe enough to just say so. I had doubts that my plain request for what would make me happy, could be honoured. The amount of discomfort that was building up in me, fed the need to open a valve and  ventilate at least ‘a distinct sign’ that something was missing.

I doubted that my request could be reasonable and would be well-received. From that perspective, I could only send a message with little reason in it, and much noise, movement and disguise. The effect.... ? Always the same as in the story I’ve told in the two previous blog entries..... disharmony, misunderstanding and feeling miserable and disconnected.

What can be done?

When I feel unhappy in a situation, for some reason, I can acknowledge:

-        -  something important to me is obviously missing and

-       -   I want to express something to improve the situation.

-          -The best chance on receiving what I need,

-        -  is in expressing it as pure and clear as I can.

Like playing the violin, it takes some practise to play these strings in the right way.
But the pure tones are there:  putting the finger on the right place, applying the right pressure, forming the tone by a stroke of the bow, with the right feeling....aiming for harmony.


Read part I and part II.

WY PEOPLE SABOTAGE HAPPINESS II/3

In the previous blog entry, I told two stories that made me wonder about the question ”Why do people sometimes deliberately sabotage their own happiness?”

My thoughts are going in two directions:

One: They don’t!

There is a lesson I remember from my education in being a teacher in ‘human interactions’. It says:”People always perform the best behaviour they have got in store.”
As a student, I was surprised by this statement, being faced in classrooms with adolescents whose behaviour I wouldn’t always qualify as ‘wonderful’.

But the statement isn’t implying that the public has to ‘like’ the behaviour as such. I know now that it says that the acting person is doing his utmost best, to get what he needs. Because it is something he really needs, he will do the best he can, to achieve it.

Looking with those ‘kind eyes’ to the behaviour of that person, helps to reach out. At least, if you feel there is actually a common goal you are both aiming for... but for now, you’re not hitting ‘bulls-eye’ yet. ’

Two: They do!

So, the best behaviour that is in store, IS counterproductive, involuntary sabotaging happiness! How?

My attention got hooked on the part where I heard that the chosen strategy was to give ‘distinct signs’ to improve the situation.

To the sender, those were ‘obvious signs’ , put out there to be noticed! And yes, the signs as such were hard to miss: elephant size fonts, screaming colours, flashlights and squeaky noises.

Can it be that the way she embellished her signs, was a bit distracting the audience from the core-message? To such a degree even, that the core-message got completely lost? And instead of harmony,  that is achieved with producing pure sounds, misunderstanding wagged its separating tail.

Send ‘signals’, out of tune with the core-message and see what happens.....
Send ’clear messages that harmonise with the distinct needs’ and see what happens.....
Send = receive......

Still, the question remains unanswered:”What makes people chose the out-of-tune-strategy?”

Thank you, dear friends, for sharing your story with me, giving me food for thought!

To be continued in part III......
Read part I

WHY PEOPLE SABOTAGE HAPPINESS I/3

A friend came to see me and we talked over a cup of tea. She told me two stories that really made me think about:”Why do people sometimes deliberately sabotage their own happiness?”

The first story:

Her new neighbours-to-be started  to use  a part of my friends’ terrain to access the building site for their new home. They claimed having the right-of-way, passed on from generation to generation.
My surprised and not very amused friends looked into it,  but they couldn’t find any legal ground for it to submit to it.
Long story short: after 9 months of quarrel and legal procedures, the experts say there is no ‘right-of-way’ . It also turns out that the new neighbours have tried to get it, by using a few sabotage tricks.

The second story:

A few amateur musicians decided to get together one evening to make music. One of them volunteered to be the host for the evening, in her house.
She arranged a few chairs in the living room, had coffee and cake ready . But almost from the moment the others arrived, all sorts of things happened that made the atmosphere go into nose-diving mode.

This second story was not new to me, because the host of the evening had told me her side of it, a few days ago,. She admitted to me that she felt compelled to give distinct ‘signs’ to the others that she wanted to improve the situation.

Isn’t it striking, that all the people involved in these stories want to achieve something beautiful: living peacefully in a nice hamlet in France and enjoying the company of fellow musicians and the joy of making music together.

Apparently, there were some different views on ‘how’ this can be achieved. But the end result (so far) of the actions taken, is a rift, rather than the desired harmony.

To be continued in part II.......

PURSUING WHAT FLOATS THE BOAT?

Richard has sent me the link to a 3 minute video on Youtube.
Tragedy and Hope - What if money did not matter? - Narrated by Alan Watts

It’s about this very intriguing question:”What would you do with your life if money didn’t matter?”

To be precise, it’s definitely not the same question as:”What would you do with your life if you had a few million Euros in the bank?” That particular question invites people often to tell them where they would like to invest money in, if they felt completely free to do so.

In the video, a professor tells us that he likes to ask this question to his students. Very often, they confess to him that they would like to be an artist, or a writer or a teacher. Most of the time they add themselves a huge ‘but’ at the end of that sentence... followed by:”everybody knows there is no money to be earned there, so I guess I will be working as a ......”

The professor is quite strong on his opinion on this matter. He tells the students and everybody who is watching this video:”If there is something you really want to do with your life..... Go for it.. and do it.”  And also...
“Would you rather live a short life with what you really enjoy or a long period of doing things you do not want to be doing?” And even..
“Would you like to raise your children teaching them to earn a living in a way they don’t really like, so they can support the upbringing of their children, becoming people doing things they rather not do....”

I strongly suspect the professor isn’t sending his students on a Kamikaze-mission. I think he is a strong believer in the Law of Attraction, if you send ‘gold’ you will receive ‘gold’.

So, the underlying challenging question, to me,  is obviously:” Do you dare to believe that if you chose to really invest your energy in your passion,  in what ‘floats your boat’, that this boat trip will be successful? Would you have faith that you can earn a living whilst doing what you wánt to do with your life in the way you want to do it?”

It starts with the professor’s question:” Whát would you like to do with your life? What floats your boat? Where lies your passion? What do you feel you are, to the core, designed to contribute to the world, because it gives you pleasure, happiness and energy doing it?”

By the time you knów of what type your vessel is, and you can see it, shining in the sun, moving gently on the tiny waves in the safety of the harbour of your soul, inviting you to embark........:”Do you chose to GO for it?”

Do I?

Thank you, Richard, for sharing this video!

THE POWER OF 'WONDER'

I am aware that the way I look at an event, influences how I feel. Many of the blog entries on this blog, show examples of this.

If I can see something as a gift, chances are that I feel happy and ‘in the flow’ of things. If I see the same event as a distraction from what I want to achieve, chances are that I feel frustrated or stopped.

I prefer, by far, the first state of being. Not only because the feeling is much nicer as such, but also because I feel it takes me further. I am able to accept it, tweak things if needs be, see extra possibilities in it and I am open to finding solutions for making it even better. The ‘good’ energy is flowing, bringing me more goods things.

If I feel frustrated or even stopped, I block the influx of ‘good’ energy and as a result, all I see is ‘limitations’ and my own frustration. I know at what angle I prefer to look at things!

So, I am on the lookout for ‘pointers’ that identify when I am taking a turn to giving myself a hard time.  And I’d like to collect practical ‘tools’ I can use to keep the energy flowing.
I discovered this one in the last couple of days.

I realized to empowering drive of using the verb ‘to wonder’, especially compared to its counterpart when it comes to energy flows: ‘to worry’.

The way they open or shut the gate to energy, is remarkably different, to me. I tried the next sentences out on myself in the last couple of days. They mean objectively roughly the same, but they have such a different effect!

I worry if I can fix that leak.
I wonder how I can fix that leak.

I worry if I can do this task in one hour.
I wonder if I can do this task in one hour.

I worry what the weather forecast will be.
I wonder what the weather forecast will be.

I worry if I will sell those items.
I wonder when I will sell those items.

I worry if my coat will be dry tonight.
I wonder how my coat can be dry tonight.

Do I need to go on? It is probably clear that I like ‘wondering’ about things!

Other pointers close to ‘I worry’ are words like: “I don’t think…..”, “I doubt….”, ‘I fear….” ……
Replace them by :”I am curious…”, ‘I’d like to know…” and see what happens……

HOW TO DEAL WITH BOREDOM?

I’ve got two dogs in the house, at the moment. There  is my own Freya, a border collie and there is Richard’s Freya, a cocker spaniel.

I can put my Freya outside in the garden, and although she prefers to be entertained, she will find ways to amuse herself there and I don't have to worry about it. Freya the spaniel, on the other hand, has  picked up an interest in chasing sheep. With seven lambs running around in the flock I don't think it's a wise idea to let this Freya amuse herself on her own, outside.

Since I am investing several hours a day in finding my life-sustenance supporting activities, looking after the sheep, and getting this place organized for selling it, I've got about an hour a day to entertain those two dogs.

On most days, this schedule means that I am most evenings happy to just-do-nothing.  But the dogs see me being seated on the sofa , as a golden opportunity to ask for entertainment. And if I get up to pour myself a tea, I have to take these dogs as hurdles on my way to the kitchen. If they could speak instead of bark.  I'm fairly sure, that all they are saying is:”I  am bored!” and they just keep repeating this message, no matter how often I jump over them, pass them by,  ignore them or say:” Come on go entertain yourselves!”

In doing so, I see myself doing what my mother always did, when I was bored. Allways, when I was just laying on the sofa and all I could say was:” I am bored!” with my arms spread wide, she had a standard solution. Obviously, I hated it.

Her solution was:” well start doing something then, go entertain yourself!”

Sometimes I responded, complaining:”But I don't know what!  I don't feel like doing anything!” on some occasions, it triggered her making suggestions:” Why don't you go and draw something, or read a book?”
Usually I replied with:”Bleeeuuugh, I don't wánt to draw something.  I don't háve a nice book to read.”

Today, thinking back of these occasions where I was bored  and encouraged to entertain myself, I smile, linking it to the law of attraction: send = receive.

One:
 I realize now that what I really wanted was to do something together. But I didn't ask for that.  I only mentioned my feelings of boredom.

Two:
It's difficult to accept and execute solutions that are not solutions to the real problem. You don’t like them, since you don’t need them and only ‘like attracts like’.

Three:
Although to a different problem, my mother gave good advice. If my underlying wish had been to be more active on my own, then I guess, just starting with any activity would have triggered the send = receive mechanism of ‘like attracts like’. If I start doing something, more energy will flow in the direction of ‘doing something’: boredom of that type…..solved.

I am pretty sure those two dogs have an innate understanding of this mechanism and that is why they do everything in their power to start me moving and entertaining them. And I think that all my attempts to make them change their behavior,  indeed... are a source of entertainment for them …..

MY TRUE SELF?

Yesterday, I commented on an inspirational quote I read on Facebook:“ my actions reflect who I truly am and your interpretation of them reflects who you truly are”.

I commented: “At first sight.... I like it. On second thought.... are somebody's interpretations the reflections of who he/she 'truly' is, or the end product of all the internal filters( like internalised messages from the outside world and fear) it went through......? Just a thought......”

It all comes down to who or what is your true self?
It's a very interesting and intriguing question.

Many people very much like to be true to themselves.
But is their one true self? I somehow doubt it and I feel my true self has either many faces, or many angles to look at it: multidimensional.

Is it ‘what I do’ that reflects who I truly am? Partially, yes. But ever so often, there is a also some disguising, masking, hiding or just ambiguity going on.

And do my interpretations of somebody else's actions say more about my cultural background, my upbringing, my unconscious automatic patterns,.... or about my true self?

At this point in time,  I'm just not sure, and only wandering.

Thank you Beth,  for putting this food for thought on Facebook.

BEAUTY IN THE EYES OF THE BEHOLDER

Earlier this week I took a few pictures of Richard. In this series there was one I liked very much. I sent it to him and added that this picture is now on my desktop. He just couldn't begin to describe how awful he thought this picture was.  
And it's really funny. All the issues he has with this picture are exactly the things I like best about this picture. So, indeed, his eyes are not wide open, and indeed, his smile is not to be put in a toothpaste advertisement.  But to me, he looks in this picture kind, sweet, cute and attractive.

Yesterday we were talking on Skype and apparently he was thinking that I looked cute there.  So he went for the print screen button, looked at the result and felt compelled to send it to me. He thought it was a wonderful picture of me.

I was curious, obviously. When I opened it, my immediate response just flew out of my mouth: ”HORRIBLE”. And I couldn't close the window quickly enough!

Richard, on his side, took another look at this picture and was really puzzled that there could be the slightest thing in this picture that I didn't like.  In all honesty, I disliked almost everything about it.  So I was really puzzled what there was so appealing to him.

OK, send = receive. And, also valid to me:” I can only receive what I am able to send”. 
So if I have a certain internal perception of what is beautiful about me, it's hard to believe that somebody can be sincerely pleased with anything else that does not match that perception.
Food for thought! 

KEY TO HAPPINESS

I woke up this morning with an interesting question for a blog entry. I was wondering, what makes the difference between finding life dull and finding life worth living?

The answer I could come up with,  is in the essence very simple. However, in everyday life, sometimes tricky to stick by .  It is about appreciating what is present in my life.  Instead of mourning about what is missing in my life. That is the golden key to happiness, I think.

If I’m able to hold that key all the time in my hands,  happiness floods my heart.

Apparently, holding on to that key is indeed a challenge every day .

Is it raining cats and dogs and is there mud everywhere, like yesterday, it's so easy to think about missing sunshine.   Are the dogs barking, because there are hunters close by, like this morning, it's so easy to shout:” silence, please!” 

I can go on, with examples like this. But I am more and more aware these days, that looking at events in this way, is me dropping the golden key out of my own hands. 

If I see the pouring rain as a chance, to get some work done indoors.  And if I appreciate the dogs for warning me there are people close by.. All of a sudden, life is filled with gifts and my heart is filled with gratitude and joy. 

HOW TO HAVE HARMONIOUS INTERACTIONS?

How to have harmonious and smooth interactions with others?

I like my interactions with others to be harmonious and smooth. Send = receive, so I am aware I’ve got to start with being harmonious and smooth myself. But how do I maintain that state of being in ‘tricky’ situations? Especially whit the addition that I want to be ‘true to myself’! Harmonious and smooth with taking my own needs into account as well!

I found on the internet something that I found very useful, a list of assertive rights. Useful to be aware of for myself, obviously. But, equally important... other people have these rights as well.

I have got the right as an individual to express my needs and to make my own priorities, regardless of the roles I fulfill in my life.

I have got the right to be treated with respect, as an intelligent, competent and equal person.

I have got the right to express my feelings

I have got the right to express my values.
I  can choose to tell my opinion, but it means also the right to choose not to tell it! If it's opposite of someone else opinion, it is basically just a different way of looking at it.

I have got the right to say 'yes' or 'no' .

I have got the right to make mistakes
realize: you can DO something 'wrong' but that doesn't make YOU wrong.

I have got the right to change my mind
I can always go back to what I want and mention that, instead of what I thought was expected of me.

I have got the right to say that I don't understand something. 

I have got the right to ask for what I want.
Sounds simple, but the hardest part is to do so when there is a conflict with the wishes or expectations of the other person.

I have the right to put aside the responsibility for someone else’s problems.
So, I can choose to care for someone and help him to sort his problems, but if that means setting aside to many of my own needs, I am free to draw a line.

I have got the right to interact with other people, independent of their approval.
This one is taking me a lot of courage, by the way!