YOU ARE WRONG

The other day I talked to my French friend Amelie.
She told me somewhat agitated that she was really concerned about the behaviour of one of her granddaughters.

When she stayed for a few days at her son’s, she noticed that 4 year old Francine said all kinds of unkind things about her twin sister Veronique.  Amelie considered the chosen words to be very rude and very inappropriate for a 4 year old to use.

As a result,  Francine got told off by her grandmother, big time, by the sound of her vivid description.

My stomach turned at hearing the story and I became aware of looking at the whole event differently.
Was it because I placed myself for a few minutes in the position of a 4 year old with a twin sister, although I am not born as a twin?

Was it just my empathy, or did I touch on my own  experience in being a four year old brave curious girl, back in 1976?

Whatever it was triggering my feelings, I could only feel compassion for this little French girl, having to learn so much about  living in this world. In experimenting with using words and ways she has probably seen around her, she got told off:” Francine, you are wrong! You are a bad child! Shut up! You are not allowed to  say nasty things about your sister!”

I decided to give a voice to my gut feeling and thoughts.  I cautiously  introduced the idea that there could be another way of looking at this than blaming the girl,  the parents, the teacher or the television. A kind way of looking, that may hold the key to something far more beautiful and enjoyable.

I asked Amelie:” What if....., Francine’s aim in saying that her sister Veronique is stupid and incapable of doing things properly, is not to deliberately push her sister down and hurt her feelings.....? What if..... Francine made an attempt, doing her utmost best,  to express a heartfelt important need for her own development? What if..... that need is something like:” I’d like to explore who I am as an individual called Francine and I’d like to explore what my own qualities are, besides being one-of-the-twins” . What if....  she mimicked the words and ways she sees around her, to express this ....?”

If all the above ‘what ifs’  are true....... then it would probably be a very confusing and hard to swallow message  for a four year old who is eager to learn about her value in this world.  What if she takes the message on board that it is NOT all right for her to say that somebody  else is wrong and bad, but it’s apparently OK for an adult to say that she is wrong and bad.

She wanted to know her individual value.... ? She now got an answer twice:” You ARE wrong, YOU are wrong”.

Amelie listened carefully to me when I expressed my take on her story and I felt she was also interested in hearing suggestions of guiding Francine in her learning process,  giving her positive feedback on her value in this world and her courage to experiment with it.   

I explained how I saw possibilities to guide Francine in a loving and understanding way, displaying the type of behaviour you would like to see from her:  calm, clear, with consideration for her own needs and the needs of others....?

I can see how easy it must be to treat twins as one entity ( I can never tell who is Francine and who is Veronique,  although they are not identical twins). Most  twins have probably an extra challenge in finding their own value as individuals, compared to children with only siblings of a different age. 

I suggested that it may be helpful to spend  time with Francine and Veronique separately . In those precious moments where they can express their own uniqueness as individuals, she can praise them for whatever qualities they display.

I am not a parent.
I have a great deal of respect for people who accept the challenge to raise a child.
I know that every parent wants the best for his child and does whatever is in his power to help the child to become an adult.
All this are reason the feel slightly uncomfortable in expressing suggestions on dealing with  4 year olds.

However......
I have the experience of being a human being for 40 years now. In this experience,  I see the damage that the message:” You ARE wrong” does when a child absorbs it and converts it in :” I AM wrong”.

The thing is:” Send = receive” . So broadcasting on the frequency of “ I am wrong”  will lead to matching results.

As an adult,  I know how much courage it takes me to dare to consider the possibility :” What if I AM NOT wrong, but in fact beautiful and wonderful in a unique way?”

Finding the guts to tell Amelie about my view on her story, in my calm, loving understanding and unique way, helped me believing in the GOOD of myself.

Thank you Amelie, for sharing your story with your heartfelt emotions, for your confidence in me and for listening!

HOLIDAY IN EVERY DAY PART II

Only two days after I suggested to Richard to take a holiday in every day ( read part I) , I felt all of a sudden agitated and irritated. 

There was clutter and chaos everywhere I went and I was commenting out loud to myself that I was fed up with sorting it all out in a never ending stream of ‘ stuff’. Most thing I did, didn’t go according to plan and that was irritating as well.

I was aware that it was probably not the chaos in itself that ‘ made’ me irritable. Many days go by with me sorting the same things out, having fun with it or doing it without any fuss.

So, I took it as a sign that I was missing something, but I had no immediate clue what it could be.  The only desire I felt was to leave it all and go away!

The minute I recognized that as the type of message Richard has been broadcasting on several occasions, I smiled. I could take a leaf out of my own book here and follow my own advice:’ leave it all and go away’ , for 20 minutes or so on a mind holiday.

I went into the garden and stretched myself out on my back on the grass. I chose a simple small camper van for my trip and took off.

However, within a few seconds, my imagination parked it in a field  close to some trees and transformed it into a gypsy style caravan.

Apparently, my need to take myself off, wasn’t a need to move and experience new things, but a need to stand still!

I figured, that I might as well redo the whole thing to fit my needs completely. Within seconds, I was in a nice clean, light, clutter free, spacious beach hut with a beautiful  sea view and the doors closed. No chaos, just me, doing nothing and appreciating that as a precious and wonderful gift!

I noticed that I hadn’t had much me-time in the last couple of days and my mood had indicated that it was about time to have some.

15 to 20 minutes of laying in the grass, in the sun, meanwhile being in my beach house was enough to go back and enjoy dealing with ‘ the chaos’  in reality, with a smile on my face.

I wonder if  Richard has tried several motor homes on different nice mind-refreshing holiday-in-every-day trips  himself.......

HOLIDAY IN EVERY DAY PART I/II

As twin souls, Richard and I often find ourselves  approaching the same issue from opposite angles.

‘ Me-time’ is a recurring theme in our lives.

I almost fell off the scale in recent times, with so much me-time, that I got tangled up in it, finding my days long, boring and unfulfilling.
Richard almost fell of the scale, with so little me-time, that he got tangled up in it, finding his days full on, boring and unfulfilling.

I highly appreciate a certain amount of me-time in every day. To me it’s just as important for my health as breathing air, eating food and drinking tea.  In me-time, I let my attention drift on the topics  in my mind. Picture me, on a sunny warm day in the shade of a beautiful tree, or in the evening in a warm bath. Or, picture me performing  a ‘ simple task’  like cleaning or weeding. I don’t need to pay much attention to what I am doing with my hands, I can just let the wind blow through my brain. The key ingredients:  me, myself and I, minding my own business.

Richard has made resolutions on creating me-time in every day. However, it is very often the first thing that flies out of the window, in the course of the day.

I can tell it frustrates him that there always seems to be a list of things to do before he feels he can take time to do something he feels he needs for himself.  Especially when the things he has to do, don’t go according to plan and consume far more time than expected.

He also finds himself, to his own frustration, ‘ wasting time’ dreaming about going away in a motor home to excitingly new and vibrant places . He feels he can’t actually go away in a motor home right now, because the house needs his presence to be rented out, looked after and be sold this summer.

One evening inspiration struck me when I was thinking about all the remarks he expressed that day and  his struggle to deal with it all. What if something deep within him is in fact signalling to him that he really needs more dedicated and appreciated me-time during the course of the day? It felt to me a promising angle to investigate.

I shared my thoughts with him, suggesting that it might be an idea to follow his own advice, every day , by  going away in a motor home to an exciting new and vibrant place. I saw a way to do that,  respecting the commitment to be here as well!

How?

The commitment to look after the house, leaves room for many activities. He spends at least 10 hours a day with activities that his body requests, like sleeping, eating, showering....
Wouldn’t it be nice to give the mind a break during waking hours, to compensate for all the information it needs to take in and process constantly?

There can be a mini-holiday in every day, to recharge!

Loving motor home travel, Richard can decide to take himself off for 20 minutes to a quiet comfortable place. He can follow his intuition on the type of motor home he should drive that day and to which destination. Using his imagination, he then can experience whatever he wants, whether it is peaceful and calm, or vibrantly exciting. His mind-holiday can be first class travel, without investing any money! 

Does a mind-holiday rebalance and re-energize? Is it possible that the challenges in everyday life can be dealt with at higher speed and with more of the required attention, with more fun, confidence and happiness?

Let’s see what happens......

To be continued in part II