YOU ARE WRONG

The other day I talked to my French friend Amelie.
She told me somewhat agitated that she was really concerned about the behaviour of one of her granddaughters.

When she stayed for a few days at her son’s, she noticed that 4 year old Francine said all kinds of unkind things about her twin sister Veronique.  Amelie considered the chosen words to be very rude and very inappropriate for a 4 year old to use.

As a result,  Francine got told off by her grandmother, big time, by the sound of her vivid description.

My stomach turned at hearing the story and I became aware of looking at the whole event differently.
Was it because I placed myself for a few minutes in the position of a 4 year old with a twin sister, although I am not born as a twin?

Was it just my empathy, or did I touch on my own  experience in being a four year old brave curious girl, back in 1976?

Whatever it was triggering my feelings, I could only feel compassion for this little French girl, having to learn so much about  living in this world. In experimenting with using words and ways she has probably seen around her, she got told off:” Francine, you are wrong! You are a bad child! Shut up! You are not allowed to  say nasty things about your sister!”

I decided to give a voice to my gut feeling and thoughts.  I cautiously  introduced the idea that there could be another way of looking at this than blaming the girl,  the parents, the teacher or the television. A kind way of looking, that may hold the key to something far more beautiful and enjoyable.

I asked Amelie:” What if....., Francine’s aim in saying that her sister Veronique is stupid and incapable of doing things properly, is not to deliberately push her sister down and hurt her feelings.....? What if..... Francine made an attempt, doing her utmost best,  to express a heartfelt important need for her own development? What if..... that need is something like:” I’d like to explore who I am as an individual called Francine and I’d like to explore what my own qualities are, besides being one-of-the-twins” . What if....  she mimicked the words and ways she sees around her, to express this ....?”

If all the above ‘what ifs’  are true....... then it would probably be a very confusing and hard to swallow message  for a four year old who is eager to learn about her value in this world.  What if she takes the message on board that it is NOT all right for her to say that somebody  else is wrong and bad, but it’s apparently OK for an adult to say that she is wrong and bad.

She wanted to know her individual value.... ? She now got an answer twice:” You ARE wrong, YOU are wrong”.

Amelie listened carefully to me when I expressed my take on her story and I felt she was also interested in hearing suggestions of guiding Francine in her learning process,  giving her positive feedback on her value in this world and her courage to experiment with it.   

I explained how I saw possibilities to guide Francine in a loving and understanding way, displaying the type of behaviour you would like to see from her:  calm, clear, with consideration for her own needs and the needs of others....?

I can see how easy it must be to treat twins as one entity ( I can never tell who is Francine and who is Veronique,  although they are not identical twins). Most  twins have probably an extra challenge in finding their own value as individuals, compared to children with only siblings of a different age. 

I suggested that it may be helpful to spend  time with Francine and Veronique separately . In those precious moments where they can express their own uniqueness as individuals, she can praise them for whatever qualities they display.

I am not a parent.
I have a great deal of respect for people who accept the challenge to raise a child.
I know that every parent wants the best for his child and does whatever is in his power to help the child to become an adult.
All this are reason the feel slightly uncomfortable in expressing suggestions on dealing with  4 year olds.

However......
I have the experience of being a human being for 40 years now. In this experience,  I see the damage that the message:” You ARE wrong” does when a child absorbs it and converts it in :” I AM wrong”.

The thing is:” Send = receive” . So broadcasting on the frequency of “ I am wrong”  will lead to matching results.

As an adult,  I know how much courage it takes me to dare to consider the possibility :” What if I AM NOT wrong, but in fact beautiful and wonderful in a unique way?”

Finding the guts to tell Amelie about my view on her story, in my calm, loving understanding and unique way, helped me believing in the GOOD of myself.

Thank you Amelie, for sharing your story with your heartfelt emotions, for your confidence in me and for listening!