How long has it been since I wrote this blog entry
about shutting the door on trust? Didn't
I write there, that I am determined to listen to the signals I get?
Well, it's fair to say that yesterday I got a strong
reminder of that resolution.
In about two hours time, I managed to dismiss about four
to five signals. The result of doing that, was an experience with great
educational value in it.
We had planned to go to Saint Junien, after looking
after the sheep.
In order to speed things up a bit, I decided that my
breakfast would be just a cup of tea, although I would have liked a bowl of
yoghurt with muesli.
We decided, having enough time to go to the market at
Saint Junien, to take the dogs for a walk. Somewhere along the way,
somewhere nice.
Richard asked me to pull over somewhere, asking me if
I fancied walking on an old railway track. I remember having a thought:”Hmmm,
is this really a nice place for a walk?”
But instead of expressing my doubts and my desire for finding
a nicer place, I simply agreed.
The walk was okay, but not exactly what I had hoped
for.
It didn’t help that, in about 15 minutes before
reaching the car again, I felt really hungry. All I could think of was:” Where
to find food, fast!”
Fortunately, I told Richard that I'd rather go to the
bakery, to buy a ‘pain au chocolat’, before setting off to Saint Junien.
After eating this ‘pain au chocolat’, I felt human
again.
In Saint Junien, Richard introduced me to eating
oysters. I know he considers eating oysters a real treat on the market. And
since I had never tasted one before, I was curious, what it would be like.
Richard ate the first one himself and prepared the
second one for me.
I remember, asking within myself, just before putting it
in my mouth:”Is it allright to take this?”
I even remember that something in me hesitated. But I
decided to dismiss that sign at the speed of light, and just go for it, because
I wanted to taste an oyster, share the joy.
It didn't do much for me, taste wise, so I tried two
or three more before I decided that I wasn't really enjoying eating oysters.
The experience didn’t stop there. Within 10 minutes, I
felt queasy. I wasn't ill, but my body was definitely telling me that something
was not completely right.
What I wanted to do was to get in a car and go
straight home. But I gathered, it would be a better idea to go and get the
groceries we wanted, from the supermarket.
By the time we left the supermarket there was almost
no energy left in me and happiness was just a vague memory.
Richard was driving and with my eyes closed, I
wondered what went wrong.....
Suddenly I saw a small lake, and I felt a desire to go
there. First, I dismissed the thought, because we had agreed to go straight
home. But then I realised:”No, I really wants to go to the water.” and so I
asked Richard, to park near the lake.
I felt restless and sad, and I just wanted to sit down
and have peace and quiet.
But when I laid down on the grass, one of the dogs
decided to sit on my face, and that was painful.
I was annoyed and irritated by her and I expressed it
to her, with force.
I was not really enjoying what I was receiving.
And then I became aware that in the course of two
hours, I had at least dismissed four
fairly clear signals from within. Instead of choosing for what I wanted and most likely needed, I went
deliberately for something else.
Acknowledging that in doing so, I had created my own
miserable afternoon, got the sting out of it.
My energy levels went up again.
The rest of the day, I paid attention to what my body
was telling me and acted upon it.
As a result, I experienced a wonderful evening, with
many beautiful moments. At the end of the day, I fell asleep with a big smile,
and once more determined, to pay attention!
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